Click here for the first collection in print form. Also available digitally. Working on the audiobook in a small closet in Los Angeles. I’ll come out soon.
On Every Level
KATHY: This is the best! Yes! This is how I feel about the taste of coffee. Even chocolate coffee tastes like coffee…
A Facebook post of a youtube video called, “Adults Try Coffee For The First Time, And The Results Are Priceless.” Of course, they all proclaim to dislike coffee before this highly scientific experiment starts. So, have they, or have they not tried coffee before? Because this reminds me of another video I once saw.
VOICE: So, have you ever tossed somebody’s salad before?
INMATE: Hell no! I don’t toss salads. Who told you that? Did Jerome tell you that?
VOICE: Oh, nobody said anything. This video we are making is called, “Inmates Toss Salads For The First Time, And The Results Are Shocking.” We just want to make sure you haven’t before we start. You see?
INMATE: Alright. I get it. No. I’ve never tossed a salad.
VOICE: Excellent. Ok, everybody, quiet on the set. And, we are rolling. So, just look into the camera and tell us how you feel, or what you think, about tossing a salad.
INMATE: Tossing someone’s salad is gross. Think about it. They been working in the kitchen all day and they get horrible swamp ass. Ball sweat and ass sweat and, oh god it’s horrible. And a lot of these guys are fuckin’ hairy, man. Their ass pubes is all matted up and tangled. The worst is when they get those little dingleberries of shit hanging from their ass. I mean, are you going to at least shower first! Fuck, man…
VOICE: That was great! So, are you ready for your first salad tossing?
INMATE: Yeah. My first salad tossing. I can already tell you I’m not gonna like it.
The following is an exact replication of the comments on Kathy’s Facebook post:
ME: Did you know coffee drinkers are fifty percent less likely to commit suicide? So, yes, please.
CHICK: Yes! I can relate on every level! Coffee is disgusting! lol! I’ll stick to my tea.
ME: On every level. That’s interesting. I need to find these other levels. I hope there’s coffee there.
CHICK: Yep, every level. Meaning, I don’t even like it a little. But, oddly, I love the smell of coffee. Reminds me of my grandpa in the mornings drinking his super black coffee reading the paper. Good times.
ME: Ok. Levels of enjoyment. Like, “This movie is level 8, bro.” Wait. How many levels are there? Sorry. I have a slight dusting of autism.
CHICK: it’s ok. I know certain coffee drinkers are on edge. Drink some herbal tea. It might help. Hahah jk. I’m not hating on coffee drinkers. I feel the same way about my tea as you do about coffee.
ME: Alright. I’ll leave this level thing alone. Though, I will now think about it all day. (BTW, I don’t care if you dislike coffee. But these levels…)
CHICK: Let me help you out. I’ll do some editing for ya! Please enjoy your day!
She edits out “on every level” from her first comment making this thread completely nonsensical. Which disappointed me on many levels. Not every level, though. On some levels, I couldn’t care less.
Saying, “you could care less” is the same as saying you care on some level. It’s like getting someone a coffee and replying to their gratitude with, “It’s the least I could do.” No. The least you could do is not get the coffee. That is the lesser quantifiable thing in this equation. It’s on it’s own level. I think. God damn these fuckin’ levels!
When someone says their joy is infinite, is that a reference to the levels? They have so many levels of joy that you just can’t count them all? And, are there dangers on these higher levels? Can their be too much joy? How long could you smile for before your face muscles start to cramp? Is the joy so immense that your constant tears dehydrate you to the brink of death? Can you acclimate to these high levels of euphoria to the point where you could walk around hating shit again? Or, does euphoria have it’s own levels like a place where your erection is constant? Are there doctors on these levels? I mean, that’s a long time for an erection…
I should probably talk to a rapper about this level thing. They seem to be experts in the subject. Their newest albums are always taking it to the next level. Although, they hardly ever allude to what emotional level, and which direction that level is.
RAPPER: On the new album, we’ve taken it to the next level, man. It’s the shit.
INTERVIEWER: So, you feel that it’s better than your previous release?
RAPPER: Nah, man. The next level down. Did you hear the last album? There is no way we will ever be able to do better than that one. That albums a beast.
INTERVIEWER: So, you’re not happy with the album?
RAPPER: I didn’t say that. The album is great. It’s just not as great as the previous one. Didn’t I already say we’ve taken it to the next level?
INTERVIEWER: The next level down.
RAPPER: Yeah, man. Just one level. But it’s still a good level to be on.
INTERVIEWER: I see… Umm, I apologize for my ignorance, but how many levels are there?
RAPPER: Infinite levels, man. There are too many to count. Don’t even try.
INTERVIEWER: But, surely, there must be a bottom level. A level that we can all agree on. This is the lowest level. We measure from here, right?
RAPPER: Nah, man. You can’t see down that far. There are levels of disgust that you don’t want to be anywhere near. Just ask my cousin. He’s in jail right now just tossing nigga’s salads. You think going to prison is a low, and then you find yourself slurping a burrito from the ass of some dude named Turtle. That’s a whole new level, son.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. There are turtles all the way down.