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Today’s guest is the star of an extremely sweet video entitled, “Kitten tries to save it’s owner from drowning in a bathtub.” Please welcome Fluffy the Cat.
Welcome to the show.
I’m sure it’s a pleasure to have me.
Right. Uhh, this video. It has millions of views. Cat lovers of the world found the video to be adorable. You appeared to be in a panic trying to retrieve that woman from the tub.
No. That’s not what I was trying to do.
Oh. You weren’t trying to save that woman?
That bitch forgot to feed me. Again! And she’s just sitting there with that dumb look on her face. I was incensed. You need to get the fuck out of the tub and give me my Fancy Feast. Does she not realize I don’t have opposable thumbs? She needs to learn to obey me! Filthy human.
You were grabbing her fingers with your mouth and pulling…
Pulling her to where the food is. And, by the way, it took me days to get that taste out of my mouth. Humans are filthy. Pigeons with hands.
Have you never heard of toxoplasmosis?! You need to fucking obey!!
Yesterday, this guy says to me, “I really love the movie Fight Club. Because, at it’s core, it’s a love story.”
A love story? Are you fuckin’ serious right now? Fight Club, in all it’s glory, is a nihilistic, dystopian tale. The realization that true existence is not a place of peace, but a place where you fight. That you have to fight. That enlightenment can not be found by binge watching season six of Mad Men from your imported Italian leather couch, but by embracing the filth and woe that’s found outside of your temperature controlled apartment. It’s NOT a fucking love story! Why is this making me so angry!?!
This coffee is pretty bitter. Do you have any sugar?
I bought some cream and sugar for the strawberries.
I can’t eat oatmeal unless there’s sugar on it.
Is there any sugar? I found a Kool-Aid packet.
Fight Club would be way better if it was sugar coated.
Are you trying to make life more palatable? Are hard realities difficult to swallow? Does the taste of pain upset you? If so, you might have emotional diabetes.
Life altering pain may taste like a bunch of raw broccoli, but it’s filled with life affirming qualities! And it promotes strength. You will become so strong, that pain will actually taste great!
“I was so distraught when my wife left me for that asshole Lisandro. But since then, I dropped fifty pounds and now use my rock hard erection to avenge my name. Thanks, Life.”
And don’t be afraid of the fibrous quality of death. It might sit like a rock in the pit of your stomach, but it’s only temporary. Ironically, making you feel more alive!
“My father’s death was a real epiphany for me. I decided right there that I wasn’t going let a thankless job and the accumulation of debt push me six feet under. Now I ride around on my beach cruiser and sell marijuana to the wealthy, and lonely, housewives of Santa Monica. Thanks, Life.”
When you sugar coat everything, you lose the ability to recognize when something is truly sweet. How could you possibly know what you are feeling when you dip your emotions into a vat of simple syrup? What a fat, stunted, sticky mess you’ve become.
Don’t let emotional diabetes weigh you down. And take a bite out of life! And, if you act now, you can partake in these great pains and, ultimately, these euphoric pleasures for free! That’s right. For free.
Life. Bite it already.
Our next guest is the star of a very sweet video entitled, “Dog saves his floundering friend from raging river rapids.” A dog slips into some rushing water with a stick in his mouth, and our guest grabs the other end of the stick and pulls the first dog to safety. It’s pretty sweet. Everybody, please welcome Bob the Dog.
Welcome to the show, Bob.
Welcome to the show to you as well.
Thanks, Bob. When I watched this video, I thought it lucky for the other dog that stick was so big.
That was an enormous stick.
It was more of a branch, I guess.
If a branch is a really big stick, then yes! That stick was awesome.
So, how concerned were you that your friend was being sucked down that river.
Oh, he wasn’t my friend. He was just another dog. And he had a great stick.
You decided to save a complete stranger? That’s inspiring, Bob.
I needed to save that stick. That other dog had it, and I wanted it. A glorious stick.
Oh. So, you’re saying you weren’t trying to save the other dog?
Why are we talking about the other dog? Did you see that stick? It was huge!
Do you have a stick?
Sure, Bob. I’ll wave it in your face in a minute…