The Hating Haters of Trump

I don’t want to be political today. It’s a little too real right now. Maybe I can write about something unreal. Maybe, about something that doesn’t exist…

***

Solipsism. A philosophical theory that only your own mind truly exists. Everything else is unsure. AND, that, maybe, nothing exists except your mind. Not even the existence of other minds.

That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.

It’s a philosophical quandary. The existential question, “Am I truly alone? Is anything I touch or taste or feel real? Is this all a crazy dream?”

I’ll answer that with my American made, fully licensed .44 revolver.

Hey, what are you doing?!?

This should prove my point.

No. Owwwwwwwww. You fucking asshole!!

So, how real was that?

You shot me in the leg!!

To prove a point. Not only do I exist, but so does this handsome gun. And the bullet hole in your thigh, let’s just say there’s a hole in your theory.

OK! I get it. You’re real! The gun’s real. The pain! The pain is so real!

So, fuck solipsism, right?

Yes! Fuck solipsism. I’m sorry.

This is a reality we can’t ignore.

Yes. Of course.  I think I need a…, that’s a lot of blood…..

***

President Donald John Trump, Sr. That’s as real as it gets. And he’s already had a massive impact on this country. For one, it seems that people are having a political awakening. Cat memes and cinnamon challenges and Kardashians have taken a back seat to the pros and cons of sexism, racism, and hate. And, yes. The pro side does exist. And they have been waiting patiently to express themselves…

***

Come on…

It seems Trump has taken Ohio and Pennsylvania.

You can do it!

I can’t believe I’m saying this, folks.

Yeah?

But we’re calling it.

Say it!

The 45th President of The United States is…

Say it!

Donald Trump.

Yeeeeeeee Haaaaawwww! Finally! I can be myself again!!! Hey Little Jimmy! Remember when I told you you were mentally challenged? Actually you are retarded! That’s right, Little Jimmy! You are a retard! And you, Francois. I will no longer refer to you as homosexual or gay or fantastically fruity. NO, son. You are a faggot! Oh lord, that feels good. Francois the faggot and retarded Little Jimmy! Fuck the both of you. And that nigger. That’s right. That no good, watermelon eating, spear chucker can get the fuck out of my whitest of white houses! By the grace of god, I feel fantastic!!!

***

Let’s face it. Those folks were always here. I’m shocked at how shocked people are. Those people were just hiding behind the verbiage we told them they had to use.

***

Look at that midget over there.

Hey! That’s offensive. That’s a little person.

Sorry…

*

That’s not my president. I didn’t vote for that, umm, African American.

Hey. What were you going to say?

He’s not even American!

That’s offensive!…

*

You know what would go great with this soup? Crackers.

Hey! You can’t say that anymore! It’s offensive.

I can’t say crackers anymore? What am I supposed to call them?

It’s a saltine. NOT a cracker. I’m ashamed to share the same space with you.

***

We oppressed the bigots, the mysogynists, the hate mongers under the suffocating weight of society’s new language rules. We encouraged them to be themselves, as long as it is a self that we find acceptable. Like a beautiful sheep costume, all fury and cute and shit. But all along, there was wolf in there! With a swastika tramp stamp! And the wolf is loose. And it’s scary…

***

But, aren’t all of these ugly realities something from, like, a Mark Twain book? Not just the past, but a far away past?

No, son. Hate is what we do best. Even hating hate. And haters of hate hating people. Hating haters and the hate they hate. Oddly, we love it.

I thought it was dead.

Surprise…

***

President Trump, what will be one of the first things you address when in office.

One of the first things we are going to do is we are going to crush Political Correctness. It’s going to be Yuge. We will make it illegal to say things like domestic technician, education centre nourishment consultant, or highway environmental hygienist. That’s a housewife, the lunch lady, and a god damned street cleaner. And if you don’t like it, I’ll first sue you, and then deport you. Because you can go fuck yourself…

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