The Cutting Room Floor

A couple of essays that missed the final cut of the latest book. In hindsight, I have no idea why. It’s hard to kill your children. Or, in this case, to put them in the back of the file cabinet. Here’s some sun, little ones. You very pale, vitamin deprived, ghost like little ones… The…

Burphole #2!

(Go here! Purchase a book, please. Thank you so much!) So, a few epiphanies: I don’t like Medium. BUT, here are eighty-four shocking ways you can delete your account. (Kidding, of course.) No more Medium. So long, buddy. I realized I had enough material for a second mini book. (About 16,000 words.) And that’s what…

I’ve Moved To Medium!

For now. But it’s paying me a couple of bucks, so. I hope you will take a look. Thanks! Link to it by clicking here.  If you are curious, you can link to my latest attack: 5 Reasons “Downsizing” Should Have Been A Horror Film or, Nice Kitty! No, Miss Fluffy Bottom! NOOO! Thanks again and I…

Passion of the Crime

What is your motivation? That is to say, “Why did you pull your dick out, Caitlyn Jenner?” Caitlyn: No, I didn’t pull it out. I pulled it off. Like an angry gorilla. I’m a gold medal winning Olympic athlete after all, silly… Make America great again. You did pull it off. But why? Some people…

The Joy of Dissent

HELP OUT BURPHOLE WITH A SMALL PURCHASE HERE. THANKS! I like playing a game called “Escaping Terri Schiavo.” I sit on the couch and allow television entertainment to beat me into a vegetative state. Slobber begins to collect on the right side of my Snuggie. (I dribble from the right only. An insignificant observation, I…

The Sweet Depravity of Twitterville

HELP OUT BURPHOLE WITH A SMALL PURCHASE HERE. THANKS! @otterhands: So what if all Muslims are different. What does that have to do with Mexican babies dying of bean related allergies? @thatstuart: No one cares about your kids Halloween candy. Priorities, people! Do you know what the queers are doing to the soil? I start…

A Clean, Well Lighted Place To Kill Yourself

HELP OUT BURPHOLE WITH A SMALL PURCHASE HERE. THANKS! Hemingway was wrong. The following is the correct sequence: Write drunk. Waste an entire day with a record-breaking hangover while you ponder the meaning of life trying not to kill yourself. Edit Sober. I suppose I would bet a hefty sum that it was a hangover…